Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Thank you. Emeril Lagasse thank you. Thank you very much. Paula Dean, Mr. Tyler Florence, Distinguished Members of the Food Network, honored guests and fellow citizens:

Today marks my first State of the Onion address to you, a culinary duty as old as our appetite itself.

Julia Child began this tradition in 1965 after reminding the nation that the destiny of self-indulgence and the "preservation of the sacred fire of halitosis" is "finally staked on the experiment encrusted in the pallets of the American people." For our friends in the press, who place a high premium on accuracy, let me say: l did not actually hear Julia Child say that, but it is a matter of historic record. (the preceeding was a shameless adaptation of our last great president, Ronald Reagan's 1st State of the Union address)

So as I sit before you, allow me to reaffirm to you the American public that today indeed our "Onion" is in a great "State"... Unlike others that will remain nameless, our "Onion" with very little peeling becomes quite transparent. I must admit that I sometimes get teary eyed when working with our "Onion", as I'm reminded just how far we have come... I must warn you against those green or spring "Onions" as they deep down are real scallions... There are some "Onions" that are real pearls, others are sweet and some are blooming, but our red or Spanish "Onions" translate into great flavor... We have the white and brown "Onion" while the vidalia "Onion" is truly representative of our southern states... Though perhaps not normally considered an "Onion" you might want to take a leek... (try working that into a speech)...

So in closing, allow me to say "God Bless and Long Live Our Onion"


  1. Bro,

    As I was reading your "State of the Onion" address I began weeping uncontrollably, followed by an urgent need to piss and then to brush my teeth and gargle with Lavoris!

    What does this mean?

    Lock & Load!!!

    Sons & Daughters of Liberty Unite!!!

  2. It made me cry too! I think we need to peel back the layers and look closely at what lies beneath that goldern exterior, for beauty is only skin deep. Excellent satire.

  3. I fear Capitol HELL and the WH are full of scallions.

  4. That's a great article. We have to laugh to keep from crying.

    Right Truth